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15/04/2009 15:26 by vhallee
Hello everyone! I'm vhallee and I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the depute.
I can only imagine one of their marketing meetings:
In today's edition, I would like to start by venting my frustrations on the daylight savings time, because I'm a man who enjoys sleeping. I only sleep if I'm alone or with someone, so having one hour robbed from me (and I know a thing or two about robbing if you check my nationality) was quite painful (more painful than that time I stuck my head inside a bus' closing doors and someone else was hanging on to my body while we were both running in parallel with the bus).
Combine this with the fact that it was after my paintball adventures, Monday was next (and Mondays are statistically the best days to commit suicide) and you get the picture. However, I'm too clumsy to do that suicide thing too, so I simply woke up angry that Monday. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. (Get it? Get it?!)
Another thing that makes my blood pressure rise is the fact that recently I've been getting all sorts of Chinese people adding me on Skype to sell me stuff. It's funny yet scary (like albino tigers) what they try to sell me things like vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers or ceramics. Yeah, apparently that's exactly what Skype users want – they sign in to see if they can find people to sell them cheaper ceramic animals for their living rooms.
Pictured: Edgy Chinese Marketing
I can only imagine one of their marketing meetings:
Marketing Leader: OK people, listen up. We need to sell the Internet users something edgy, something different, something new. What do you have?
Mr. Wong: What if we sell them cheaper electronics like plastic bunny-shaped radios or Buddha clocks?
Marketing Leader: Boring. Besides, we did that in last week's campaign.
Mr. Lee: I dunno... there was a truck filled with kitschy ceramic sculptures, hand vacuum cleaners and lawn mowers which crashed nearby and the driver's dead. We could, you know, steal that? I'm just saying...
Marketing Leader: Lee. Tomorrow. 12 o'clock. My office. Promotion.
Also it doesn't help if you say you're from Hong Kong and your name is Oliver or William, by the way. You should change that.
Another interesting thing that happened lately was that a friend got robbed. Yes, he had 3 written postcards that he wanted to send to his family, but the vicious thieves that lurk these parts have claimed another victim. Ah no, they didn't steal anything else, just these 3 WRITTEN postcards.
I kept telling him (and myself also, for the sake of my mental health) that he may have dropped them in the bus. He refused to believe this, stressing that he was extra careful with them as he was on his way to the post office. This made me think that he was robbed by the dumbest or the most resourceful thief in Gibraltar, who can make profit even out of used post cards. If the second one is true, I want him in the company that I will create soon. I have no idea about what kind of company I want to create but I'm pretty sure this dude might have some ideas.
Do you have ANY idea how much it's worth these days?
Now moving on to the third 'adventure': so a friend of mine won two gift coupons for a particular bar, worth ₤25 each. We decided to go after work, but I also realized I had to go buy myself a set of speakers, mainly because mine were pretty old (made of rock). We went to an electronics shop where the salesmen greeted us with a delicious Indian accent. Immediately after he opened his mouth, I was mesmerized by his talk. I had to buy.
I took a 2.1 sound system which was pretty big, so I had some trouble holding the box itself actually. However, the Indian word magician came to my help and gave me what seemed to be a big white garbage bag. I looked closer and I realized that yes, it was a big white garbage bag. Never mind, I'll just wrap it up more, right?
Right after I purchased the boxes of sound, we decided to go to that bar and have some beers. We didn't know anything about this bar but we knew where it was, so we found it eventually. The box was already bothering me so I was glad when I arrived, already tasting the beer. Just when I entered, I saw candles, dim light, there was some jazz in the background and old people telling hunting stories. OK, so I guess it was some fancy beer bar – Gibraltarians are weird, right?
So anyways, a waitress greeted us with what seemed to be a forced, aristocratic smile. I looked closer and I realized that yes, it was a forced aristocratic smile. I would like to give you an exercise in imagination: me in a casual outfit with a plastic garbage bag containing a cardboard box, dragging my ass towards one of those tables with my friend, while old rich people were (most likely) watching me in an uncomfortable silence.
No... wait... I asked for the Chicken...
After that there were several more uncomfortable minutes of me trying to fit that box somewhere next to my seat or table. I was being watched, I know that, and it made it all the more awkward, obviously.
We sat down at the table, where a few types of knives, forks and glasses were waiting for us. They had no beer. We took 2 cokes. When the menus arrived, we had to choose between things like 'duck sideburns in vinegar', 'flaming pheasant ass cheeks in Roquefort sauce' or something like that. I wasn't really reading. I focused all my energy to find words like 'chicken', 'beef' or 'pork' so I can hope the food I order will not be made of diamonds.
I found the word 'chicken' in one of the menu entries so I went straight away and ordered it with a strong French accent (I studied French when I was little). Needless to say, the waitress was impressed of my foreign language knowledge and let me know of it. OK, she didn't... she gave me an awkward smile and left quite fast. My friend also ordered something, I'm quite sure of it, because she brought him food too.
What I got was quite... well... unexpected, because it looked like an interlaced hot towel in a puddle of yogurt. That puddle, I later found out, was a mixture of the finest sauces known to man (the kind of sauces NASA uses!), so it was quite new information to me.
We sat down at the table, where a few types of knives, forks and glasses were waiting for us. They had no beer. We took 2 cokes. When the menus arrived, we had to choose between things like 'duck sideburns in vinegar', 'flaming pheasant ass cheeks in Roquefort sauce' or something like that. I wasn't really reading. I focused all my energy to find words like 'chicken', 'beef' or 'pork' so I can hope the food I order will not be made of diamonds.
I found the word 'chicken' in one of the menu entries so I went straight away and ordered it with a strong French accent (I studied French when I was little). Needless to say, the waitress was impressed of my foreign language knowledge and let me know of it. OK, she didn't... she gave me an awkward smile and left quite fast. My friend also ordered something, I'm quite sure of it, because she brought him food too.
What I got was quite... well... unexpected, because it looked like an interlaced hot towel in a puddle of yogurt. That puddle, I later found out, was a mixture of the finest sauces known to man (the kind of sauces NASA uses!), so it was quite new information to me.
Don't we all...
When we finished, we had to pay, and the bill was just a little over those two ₤25 coupons that we had so we obviously added the rest in change. That did not seem to appease the waitress, especially when I drew her attention to my cardboard box covered in the garbage bag (because I lifted up the bag and you know the sound those plastic bags make).
Again I had to do the walk of shame towards the exit, while former generals or whatever were obviously disturbed by the noise I was making and watched me leaving. Did I mention we paid in coupons and loose change? Because we totally did.
That's all for now, so join me next time when I'll take on those unicycle classes I kept promising to take.
Again I had to do the walk of shame towards the exit, while former generals or whatever were obviously disturbed by the noise I was making and watched me leaving. Did I mention we paid in coupons and loose change? Because we totally did.
That's all for now, so join me next time when I'll take on those unicycle classes I kept promising to take.
